I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
