I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
