True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
