Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
