so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
