Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
