I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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