i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
