Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
