"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize