What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
