i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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