mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
