Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
