WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
