he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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