mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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