There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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