I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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