just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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