Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize