with your own penis?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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