I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
