ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
