My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
