i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
