I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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