I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
