Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
