Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
