JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
