I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
