i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
