Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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