dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize