Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
