I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
