fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
