You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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