i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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