my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
