i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
