remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
