my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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