You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
