i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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