i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
