I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize