so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
