It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
