Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
