sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
