He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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