there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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