Will you blow on my dice?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
