Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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