i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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