I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
