I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
