She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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