she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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