That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize