I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
