My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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