Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
