can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
