i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
