I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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