If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
