For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
