she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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